When Tabby was ten years old, her father left her mother and her two younger brothers, but she wasn’t sad about it at all. Her mother worked two jobs, and Tabby and her brothers would pick up odd jobs in the neighborhood on the weekends when they got old enough. They were struggling, but her mother’s love for them made their lives so sweet that it didn’t feel like a struggle at all. Her father constantly complained about how unhappy he was when he lived with them. He said that his family was the reason he couldn’t be the success he thought he could be. Drinking and gambling every weekend, he had gambled and lost their rent money more times than they could remember. She was glad he didn’t come back, and at 34 years old, Tabby had only seen her father once in the last 24 years. He didn’t speak, and neither did she.
Six years ago, when she gave her life to Christ, her heart was lighter than it had ever been. In high school, she had gotten a scholarship to go away to a well-known university. Taking this well-deserved scholarship would have meant that she’d have to be away from her mother and brothers, and she couldn’t imagine that. She would have worried about them too much. After graduating with honors from a local community college, she landed a good job, and her then boyfriend, Henry, hinted at marriage, but it was the furthest thing from Tabby’s mind. She was ambitious, and she didn’t think Henry was ambitious enough. He couldn’t compete with her dreams to earn enough money to retire her mother. He would hold her back, she thought, and she did her best to break it to him gently.
As her relationship with the Lord grew stronger, Tabby made a vow to herself that she would only marry a Christian man. That was four years ago. Although she’s met Christian men, some of whom are now her friends, she’s not interested in any of them. Her mother and brothers tell her she’s too picky, and that no man can live up to her standards. Tabby disagrees. “I just haven’t met him yet!” she tells them.
God’s Word is true. No matter the person, situation, or circumstance, we must accept the truth of our identity. We are His created beings. We are His spiritual children, and He tells us in 1Thessalonians 5:23 that we have a spirit and soul that are both housed in a body. We live from the inside out, not the other way around. Information, thoughts, and feelings begin to imprint on our souls even in our mother’s wombs. As we develop, we absorb knowledge and patterns like a sponge, and often we are unaware of the impact of all this to our souls. We are also unable to calculate all the ways that we’ve been affected by the absence of the love we deserved but didn’t receive. It’s important we understand that it’s possible for an individual to spend their whole lives nursing wounds and repeating patterns that deepens their pain and keeps them disconnected from God’s healing power.
Our Heavenly Father commands us in Ephesians 4:31-32(NLT), “31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. 32 Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.” This isn’t a suggestion. It’s the way He has commanded us to treat our brothers and sisters in Christ. When we’re praying to Him to meet someone, a tender and forgiving heart sets the stage for our faith to produce wonderful results. The right heart creates the atmosphere for the manifestation of our desires, but the wrong kind of the heart—the wrong attitude and feelings—can keep us separated from the thing we desire most.
Tabby didn’t want to remain single. She always dreamed of having a husband and family and thought she’d achieve this dream way before turning thirty-five. She was praying to be close and committed to the man that God ordained to walk with her through life, but the messages her heart was sending were not in agreement with her prayer. She viewed dating as an exercise of trying on other people for size to see if they might fit. This thinking doesn’t represent the love of Christ, and believers should know God’s Word and follow the example of Christ far better than this. Our Heavenly Father is not on board, and it’s not His Will, when we injure the feelings of another human being and treat it like a necessary casualty on the road to fulfilling our marital quests.
Being discerning about the qualities a person has is important where marriage is concerned, but not allowing Jesus to be Lord in this area of our lives will set us up for failure. It’s not about finding the one that checks off all our boxes, it’s about allowing God to make a presentation and trusting He knows what He’s doing.
Tabby was repeating some of her biological father’s toxic patterns and didn’t realize it. The same arrogance that allowed him to discard his family was the license she used to judge and injure the feelings of men that didn’t meet her standards. She believed that God was in agreement with her wrong believing, and this was a mistake that had to be corrected. He wants to us to be blessed in this area of our lives, but the stewardship of marriage requires that our hearts are right with God and filled to overflowing with His love. A lack of spiritual growth and maturity will keep our blessings at bay, but the humility, flexibility, and willingness to change patterns of behavior according to the example of Christ will keep us on the path of God’s blessings. ■
Holy Bible, New Living Translation copyright © 1996, 2004, 2007 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.
“Toxic Patterns and Dating Mistakes”, written for Springfield Fellowship © 2024. All rights reserved. All praise and honor to God through Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior.